Susanna Calkins, Author
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A cuckold, a magistrate, and a Puritan walk into a tavern...

4/5/2012

16 Comments

 
Picture
So if you're at that seventeenth-century dinner party that I mentioned in my last post, you'll want a few "merry jests, smart repartees, witty sayings, and a few notable bulls" to amuse and delight your friends (that is, if you want to transcend urine tricks and flatulence).

(Not jokes though--apparently the word joque, from the Latin iocus "jest, sport, pastime'--had only just emerged in England in the 1660s, and was only just entering the seventeenth-century vernacular.)

This particular jest-book, Humphrey Crouch's England's Jests Refin'd and Improved (1693), one of England's first such collections, offers equal opportunity digs at all manner of people: gentry, magistrates, royals, Quakers, Catholics, priests, Jews,  foreigners, scholars, students, old people, young people, pregnant women, scolds, rakes, brothel-keepers, cuckolded husbands, criminals awaiting execution--you name it. 

Many jests were political or religious in nature but, as you might imagine, such humor doesn't always translate easily across three centuries (and English doesn't always translate to American. HA!)

However, this one just amuses me.

"A witty young fellow was try'd for his life, since his Majesties Restoration. And being caught, they told him he must be hang'd: But he pleaded in his own defence a long time; at last desir'd the Judge, That if he must be hang'd, he might be hanged after the new way that Oliver was, three or four years after he was dead."

(The corpse of the Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell had been dug up and hanged posthumously two years after Charles II was restored to the English throne. Yup, as gross as it sounds.)

And, I could skip the obligatory lawyer jest but I won't.

"A certain person speaking unseemly words before a Gentlewoman, she ask'd him what profession he was of. Madam, says he, I am a civil lawyer. Alas, Sir, she replied, If Civil lawyers are such rude people, I wonder what other Lawyers are."

Mwah ha ha! Civil lawyers. (Okay, fine. Maybe not that funny)

Of course, I imagine bawdy humor will still translate best....

"Two friends meeting, one being overjoyed to see the other.
Hark you Sir, said he, Between you and I, my wife's with child. Faith, cry'd the other, you're a liar, for I have not seen her this twelve months."   (Awk-ward!)

"A young woman, having married a great student, who was so intent on his studies, that she thought herself too little regarded by him, and one day when they were at Dinner with some Friends, she wished herself a book, that she may have more of her Husband's company. If it must be so, says her husband, I wish thou wert an Almanack, that I might change thee for a new one once a year."   (Ouch!)

Picture
the witless cuckolded husband (with horns!)
"One that had only been married but a week called her husband a 'cuckold,' which her mother hearing, reproved her: You slut, says she, do you call your husband cuckold already?And I have been married this twenty years to your father, and never darest tell him of it yet!"

(Ah, the old cuckolded husband jest).

So you tell me...how would this jest end?  A cuckold, a magistrate, and a Puritan walk into a tavern...

16 Comments
Matt
4/5/2012 04:43:08 am

A cuckold, a magistrate, and a Puritan walk into a tavern. The bartender looks up and say, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Reply
Matt
4/5/2012 04:55:15 am

Schrodinger's Cat walks into a bar..and doesn't.

Reply
Susie Calkins link
4/8/2012 08:49:33 am

What if the cat is turning into a bar? Then he's both a cat and a bar! Ahh, I challenge even the mighty Schrodinger to work that one out!

Susie Calkins link
4/8/2012 08:47:27 am

ha-ha, Matt! That's hilarious!

Reply
bekerys
4/6/2012 03:48:58 am

...and it was only person!

Reply
bekerys
4/6/2012 03:55:05 am

sorry--meant to say...and it was only one person!

Reply
Susie Calkins link
4/8/2012 08:50:19 am

Bekerys--hey, that's a good one! Clever!

Reply
Rob
4/7/2012 06:59:04 am

The bartender tells all three that they have to leave.
"You have to leave dear Puritan, because you don't believe in partaking of the heathen spirits I serve."
"You have to leave dear Magistrate, because the law says I must close in 5 minutes, and my patrons will not want you seeing them break the law."
"And you dear friend," the bargenter says to the cuckold, "you must leave and go home and make love to your wife."

The three looked at each other, and began to leave. When they got to the door, the cuckold stopped and turned to the bartender and said, "We are going, as you suggest, but you have lost some good business tonight."

The magistrate and the Puritan kept walking on. When they got outside, the Puritan took off in a sprint. The Magistrate yelled, "Where are you going?"

The Puritan kept running, but yelled over his shoulder, "I have unfinished business to attend to. And then I have to send his wife home."

Reply
Susie Calkins link
4/8/2012 08:51:43 am

Rob! This is awesome! I think we have a winner. I hope you will regale us with this at our next get-together. And do the voices, will you? :-)

Reply
Matt
4/8/2012 12:22:45 pm

Brilliant!

Reply
Yann
4/8/2012 02:34:26 am

Brilliant! I'd love to read the whole pamphlet. Is it on EEBO?

Reply
Susie Calkins link
4/8/2012 09:00:02 am

Yann, yes, there are two versions: Wing / C7277A and Wing / C7277B. The earliest extant version is from 1687, although Crouch identifies the 1693 version cited here as the third edition. He also claims these are the "refin'd and improvd' jests, which certainly suggests an earlier version. This stuff's great! There are so many more in this pamphlet that are hilarious, just a little long for my purposes. . I'd love to hear which jest or bull you found funniest! (or the most merry to your ears, to use their parlance!)

Reply
sudbury dating link
8/19/2012 08:35:17 am

Great site, was just reading and doing some work when I found this page

Reply
Susie link
8/19/2012 10:23:58 am

Thanks for stopping by!

Reply
Click Here For More link
10/2/2013 09:05:30 am

I wished to thanks a lot for this wonderful read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it.I have you saved as a favorite to check out new stuff you blog post. My kind regards.

Reply
Vince Stead link
8/28/2015 12:10:06 pm

You can read or listen to over 14 cuckold books written by girls, and in audio to by the girls, fun to read or listen to, you can see them at fun2readbooks.com, they are pretty fun to listen to.

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    Susanna Calkins

    Historian. Mystery writer. Researcher. Teacher.  Occasional blogger.

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  • Home
  • Lucy Campion Mysteries
    • A Murder at Rosamund's Gate
    • From the Charred Remains
    • The Masque of a Murderer
    • A Death Along the River Fleet
    • The Sign of the Gallows
    • The Cry of the Hangman
    • Death Among the Ruins
  • The Speakeasy Murders
    • Murder Knocks Twice
    • The Fate of a Flapper
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